The first time!

It wasn’t a regular day, I was in my 9th grade (2006) and my friend took me to an internet cafe. It wasn’t my first time visiting an internet cafe, I used to visit once a week because having an internet connection at home is a luxury those days. I used to pay 15 INR for an hour, spending the whole hour listening to songs at raaga dot com. I don’t even know if that site exists now. And pocket money isn’t a frequent visitor, so I had to wait all the week to collect and save around 20 to 50 INR from home and spend them on saturdays, since its a half day. I wasn’t allowed to come out of my home much, so Sunday isn’t really an outing day, except for attending religious services.

So this day, my friend took me to a nearby cafe after our school hour. It was a Saturday, I remember because it was noon. He wanted to show me something on the internet. We sat in a cubicle, he opened a few pages and all I could see is pictures of naked people banging each other. He did browse a few pages of that sort and I remember I was already going blank in my mind. I wasn’t able to digest what was on the screen. I urged my friend that I had to leave for home, so I left. As soon as I reached home, I went into the bathroom and I puked.

This was my first time watching porn. That’s how it began, in the year 2006, when I was 15. From then, Holly Halston was my favourite for a few years.

#lavenderblueshyd

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Erotica

Kiss me with the taste of your rich lips

And when you kiss, let me feel

the warmth of your melons

They aren’t the kind catered to make the weak strong

They are the kind that make the strong men weak

So weak as with uprising insomnia, lest men sleep

They suffer from the pain and itch of desire

and passions all the nights.

Kiss me with the taste of your lips

Passions for flushing drops that sweat from each melon

melons as wide and vibrant as a bloomed tulip

As the sun runs all the way from the space

Just to bathe the mountain with its warmth

So do I get weaker and weaker,

Burning my sleep, to get a glimpse,

Just a glimpse of the beauty of those flowers.

Kiss me with the taste of your tongue

Oh how deep is the dip of the mountain

that resembles every deep curve on your belly

Just as the grass of the valley houses the dew

Does your skin, ooze those sweat drops

And as the butterflies feeds on the sweet dew

and nectar of the grass

will my lust feed on the sweet sweat of your skin

Heal me so from the thirst of sleepless nights

Kiss my labra with the taste of your lips

And the pond in the valley is so fresh

With the waters springing up

So the stallions quench their thirst

Let me too, take me to your navel pond

with shots of red wine to water my tongue there

Kiss me with the taste of your lips

And the steep of the valley is so deep

It leads to the dam where the waters gush!

the line of your waist would jelly my lips

they roll on to the walls of the dam

where the gates of your p**** follow your instincts

So as to give my tongue the pleasure

The pleasure of bathing under a waterfall

A spring of all the juices from the dam

Not the kind catered to the weak to become strong

But the kind where the strong get much weaker

Kiss me with the flavor of your lips

Bathe me with the waters of your dam

Teach my tongue to fill the canals

Canals deep in the skin of your thighs

Oh how sweet the pain of this desire

That treat men like me with insomnia

Kiss me, Sweet curves!

I wrote these lines for an online friend she told me her name was ‘Trisha’ but I doubt if that was her real name cause we(she) never exchanged our social media names and we’re not in touch anymore. It was on a random chat app named ‘talk to someone’. She said she’s from a fashion designing school. We did chat for like two months. We used to sext a lot. She was 21 and I was 25 at that time. She did laugh at me when I told her I’m a virgin. She did send me a few nudes, taught me how a woman’s bra size is calculated. She once told me that she had a threesome in Goa with a random guy she met at the sunburn festival there. It seems she and her friend shared the distribution of labour. it did surprise me a bit, I was like… girls at her age are exploring sexuality at this degree and why am I not able to? I don’t know. May be I’m unfit?

I did ask her how it feels to have the meatstick inside a vagina. She told me to take a skin cream or something like coconut oil and undo my boxers. I did. She told me to pour the oil on my meat stick and make it hard. I followed her orders. She then asked me to send a picture of it. I did. We exchanged a few nudes and she then made me rub my meat man harder. That was how she taught me the lesson : How it feels inside a vagina. I don’t know if that feeling I discovered is really how it feels to be inside a woman but I’m glad I discovered a new feeling. Then I wrote these lines for her. She said she did like them but I know she’s not into poetry and stuff, I might have bored her with my lines. Trisha disappeared a few weeks later. Although my masturbatio/\/ moments still miss her.

#lavenderblueshyd

Insecurities

I always wonder if my acne matters for a Tinder profile

I always wonder if my white hairs matter for my Instagram

I always wonder if an average vagina would welcome my meat stick

I always wonder if my height matters for a fling

I always wonder if being a virgin is something to be ashamed of

I always wonder if an introvert bachelor like me can only find digital sex

I always wonder if this digital world can solicit an average body for a night of sex

I always wonder if being an introvert bores the female stalkers

I always think if I should bother about her words “learn to talk to a girl, dude’ or if I should never mind a cheap tongue

I always wonder if starting to explore the female world in my early thirties is too late

I always wonder if all that left me a virgin is just being a middle class guy

I always wonder if I’ll be termed a ‘loser’

I always wonder if never visiting a pub is something to be ashamed of, just because I never had a girlfriend

#lavenderblueshyd

Desires at dawn

It's dawn's twilight already,
Peeping through the curtain gaps,

Counting my restless minutes,
Missing the queen of the witching hour

Ignorance is bliss, until a kiss
Tongue twists and melon-delves
Heart leaks and mind fumes

Is this just a prurience zest
Yellow roses bloom mauve carnations
Take a break for a her-she's kiss

I wrote these lines at a midnight hour during mid of Feb 2019 for an online friend named K when she wasn’t available to talk to me because she’s busy working . I desperately needed her during this hour to sext with me but at the same time, I didn’t want to ping and disturb her. We (or at-least me) got used to texting her until 4 in the morning. Our texts passionately drifted from non sexual conversations. This was a few weeks after we sexted for the first time. I anticipated until then but she didn’t and my thoughts of desire went unfulfilled that night.

#lavenderblueshyd